27th May 2007

How To Tell If Your Ventriloquist Puppet Is Evil

The Booberry Alarmclock posted some photos of a ventriloquist doll (it’s no dummy!), and this reminded me of this public safety tip: How to tell if your ventriloquist puppet is evil:

Willie talk? No. Willie kill you? Yes!

1. Make a large, roaring fire.

2. Within earshot of the doll say “Well, I think it’s about time I get rid of this ventriloquist doll … it’s not doing me any good no more”.

3. Pick up the doll and say “I think this will burn up real good in the fire”

4. Walk towards the fire.

5. Make like you’re going to throw the doll into the fire on the count of 3.

At this point, if your doll is evil, you’ll feel a bite on your arm, or a punch, or some other violent reaction. The doll will try to get out of your grasp, and, if successful, will run away, most likely with an evil cackle out of it’s smiling mouth. Be careful … he’s not fleeing from you; he’s only looking for a place to hide in order to attack you later.

If nothing happens, your doll is probably not evil. You now have 2 choices: Throw it into the fire anyway, or put it away.

Warning: If you do not throw the doll in the fire, it is suggested that you take a knife with you to bed. It’s possible the doll is evil but knew you were testing it, and is waiting for you to go to sleep before attempting to strangle you.

There are currently 38 responses to “How To Tell If Your Ventriloquist Puppet Is Evil”

  1. 1 On May 27th, 2007, Humuhumu said:

    Clearly this “test” was concocted by a ventriloquist dummy to lull the public into thinking that there is a sliver of a chance that some dummies may not be evil. Don’t fall for it.

  2. 2 On May 28th, 2007, MrBaliHai said:

    This appears to be a later incarnation of the Willie dummy. The original was mostly harmless and wore considerably less mascara until he suffered repeated non-consensual puppet sodomization at the hands of the über-Machiavellian Charlie dummy.

  3. 3 On June 21st, 2007, eniksleestack said:

    I say take off and nuke the dummy from orbit — it’s the only way to be sure. :>

  4. 4 On July 3rd, 2007, Baked Pajamas said:

    Ventriloquist Puppets can never be killed…The best thing to do is submit to it’s evil.

    This way, maybe, you will be chosen to give up your soul and have the evil puppet take over your body.

    Then, this hot little evil puppet, played by Jennifer Tilly, will be your girlfriend, and the two of you can do all sorts of evil puppet things forever and ever…

    Evil puppets are cool.

  5. 5 On July 10th, 2007, Sir Henry said:

    That list just refreshed every single nightmare I had when I was a kid. I think watching the Twilight Zone in the middle of the night when I was 9 was a horrible idea because I always thought that ventriloquist dummies would bit my ankles if I tried to get out of bed. burn them all, I say.

  6. 6 On August 16th, 2007, Jason Herer said:

    I am serious about this. I tresspassed in an older house that was abandoned. I found an old wooden ventriloquist dummy in perfect condition in its case.
    I brought it home. (Stupid, Stupid, Stupid!) One night while I was alone in my house I herd a small child like giggle. I went upstairs and when I got to the room where the dummy was. Its eyes turned by themselves and the mouth started opening and closing frantically. After its episode, I burned it up in a bomb fire at a party. It has never come back. I moved. But I later learned that the family who bought my house my house, a family of five, every last one had been murdered in the house one night. All of them strangled.

  7. 7 On August 22nd, 2007, elizsophie said:

    This is friggin’ hilarious! But, a few weeks ago I watched “Dead Silence” with my boyfriend. “Beware the stare of Mary Shaw, she had no children, only dolls. If you see her in your dreams, be sure you never, ever scream”….and then there’s something about if you scream, she’ll rip your tongue out. It freaked me out so bad! Ventriloquist dolls scare me. I’d totally believe this and either burn the doll or take a knife to bed with me. On second thought, I’d burn the doll AND take a knife to bed with me. You can never be sure….

  8. 8 On October 11th, 2007, Eddie Starr said:

    Interestingly Enough, I know some Ventriloquists from College who love to put on an act like that. Keep of the good work Ventriloquists all around the world!

  9. 9 On October 24th, 2007, Boone said:

    Beware the dummy. If you buy one new or make one yourself the generely don’t hate you. Usauly if the dummy is older or is someone elses it will hate you. It takes a long time but its worth it to just make one. Stay away from the evil!!!

  10. 10 On October 29th, 2007, drew said:

    that is sooo coool i love it im gonna um collect ventrilaquist dolls or however u spell it and each time i get a new 1 i will follow ur steps lol ur sooo coool seriusly but im kind of afraid of toys this is a real story (i woke up one night in my brothers bed i was like 4 or 5 and i saw my teddy bear move its head over and over
    when that happend i just went to bed cuz i was too scared too do anything cuz u see ur childhood is like watch transformers or somthing mine was watching jaws or childsplay lol my childhood was ruined)

  11. 11 On November 20th, 2007, Schroeder said:

    I am laughing so hard right now & my stomach hurts from reading all the replys. I had one of those Willie Talk dolls & someone drew a flaming red hot butt hole on his butt & wrote, “It’s Chapped”. I did not discover it until i changed his clothes & no one fessed up to it cause i would beat the crap out of them. I then told all my sisters & brothers that Willie would get his revenge on who ever disfigured him & it would be with a knife from our kitchen drawer. My youngest sister, GINA was screaming & swearing she did not do it & i said, if you did not do it then he would not hurt you, only the one who did that to him. Needless to say, no one died nor did anyone ever confess to drawing a red butt hole on my favorite toy which i got at a Goodwill store, hey, puppets need a home too. Schroeder

  12. 12 On November 20th, 2007, willie said:

    Silly humans, you make fun of us dolls & yet you won’t be laughing when we have our global attack & i will be the leader. I Willie Talk & my other Willie brothers will get our revenge for all the mistreatings we received in the past, for every slam to the ground, for every tug of war you played with our arms, for every rotten tea party you put us through, we will rise & attack, you will become our playmates & sit on our laps. We’ve gathered knives & forks & especially socks, yes socks. You know all those socks that disappear in the dryer, well they just didn’t disappear, us dolls took them so when we attack in the night we have something to gag your loud mouths with, there’s nothing more annoying than to hear a human screaming, it only upsets us more. Yes many of us went through the fire test & some of us survived, ran away but we are here to stand up for the ones who burned at your grace, we will be their hands, their feet & speak for them when we attack. My girlfriend Barbie will be at my side, many of her sisters have drowned in your bathtubs or in a flushing toilet. You humans are so cruel to us dolls, we’ve been burned with dripping melting crayons, singed with magnifying glasses, our faces melted off on the stove burner, our heads cut off by your rotten little brothers & it goes on & on & on. We dolls have not forgotten how you have treated us & we plan to take our revenge slowly, oh so slowly. Barbie’s little sister Skipper thought of this little diddy & I will be the first to try it out. You know all those potato peelers that come up missing in your kitchen drawers? Well, we have them all! We plan on tying you humans up to a chair & gently peeling your skin away like that of a potato & then pour salt all over you, we can’t wait. We will need drones to help us out so if any of you humans wish to live then the magic word is, “Chatty Cathy” & the attack will stop on you. Have a pleasant night boys & girls, you adults too, even though your full grown your still gonna get it. Willie & Barbie

  13. 13 On November 21st, 2007, Harriet said:

    ALL ventriloquist puppets are evil…

  14. 14 On December 21st, 2007, Adam said:

    Well Personally I Love These So Called “Evil dolls” They Are Truly Not Evil, They Are Just Misunderstood. You See You Don’t Know The True Power Of These Dolls Untill You Own One. They Are Truly Wonderful Things. I Love Them :) x

    Adam McCrory 13 Male UK

  15. 15 On August 14th, 2008, me =] said:

    grrrr evil dolls! burn them all!

  16. 16 On August 20th, 2008, Charlie said:

    All of these posts about dolls being evil is poppycock! I have three figures, that I have had for years. I got my first one, when I was seven years old. I can’t believe that people think that dolls can be evil little demons who only exist to kill people and draw evil into tttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt

  17. 17 On October 23rd, 2008, ClimberChick said:

    I do not believe in them being evil at all….I think thats just silly. But when I was young
    I used to watch ‘Goosebumps’ a lot, really late at night, and it had vantriloquist doll
    named Slappy who would try and kill these kids that found him…I would have nightmares about
    him trying to get me all the time. Im not afraid if them now, but they always give me the chills

  18. 18 On October 24th, 2008, BILLIE said:

    hey im billie. i see my pal willie has told you about us. well he and some of his friends may be nice enough to let you go by saying the oh so magic words of chatty chatty. but i will not! you will still die and i will like it. ill eat wuts rest of you. but what i didnt tell you is ill do it with you and your most 3 loved ones at the same time. and the only way ill consider stopping is if you eat the pealed skin off of each other after it is pealed. i do oh so enjoy the sound of human screams, unlike my friend willie, it makes him unhappy, he enjoys not the screams, but the taste of you brats! it gives me a warm chilly feeling to have heard the beautiful, priceless sound of a humans scream! us dolls aren’t “evil” we’re seeking revenge. we only need 100 more people to say we are evil to piss us off and we’ll do it. well be on the look out! Something willie forgot to tell you was that, not only do you drown us, melt us, and such, but we dont like it when you stick your hands up our backs!


  19. 19 On January 28th, 2009, Ben said:

    UH…. Will and Bill are creeping me out. You come near my family you’ll get a face full of lead! Lol. I Have the B-b gun pumped and ready! Wait, I hope my bush doll doesn’t attack me, cause then I’d be the person who killed Bush. Obama, I can live with shooting him though lol.

  20. 20 On January 28th, 2009, CHILLIE said:

    I see Billie and Willie have told u about my plans. Achmed and I can’t wait to get Peanut. Jose can’t wait either. Nor Jose the jolapenio on a sticks girl friend, the pickle on the pencil. Achmeds gonna blow up all over you! Just kiddin’, it’s Ben. Hehe

  21. 21 On February 23rd, 2009, patch said:

    all the comments saying i woke up and saw my doll move and all are because when you stay up late or wake up in the night you may see shadows in dolls or people on your posters might make small movments or big ones this all depends in your leve of tiredness and this is your brain tricking you from a dream to reality (or even if you didnt have a dream) and it still thinks it can control what you see…

    most ghost reports and storys are just fake mind images made from tiredness

    hope this helps…..

  22. 22 On June 21st, 2009, Vinnk said:

    Here’s a suggestion how to get rid of it, just blow it’s head off with a double barrel shotgun (eepically sawed off…)

  23. 23 On September 2nd, 2009, slappy said:

    I will have revenge on everybody who ignores me i will have to say that i am on billie and willie’s side….say good bye humans cause when we come, oh when we come, we will come with a vengance!!i may be nice enough to stop when you say chatty cathy or i may not be so nice so humans a little tip, stop putting your hands up inside us,stop dropping us,lastly no gun,no knife and certainly no amount of fire will bring me down!!!!

    sleep with one eye open tonight because tonight can be the night where humans DIE!!

  24. 24 On October 11th, 2009, tony said:

    hi im tony a dummy hey not all of us are evil i only killed this guy cause he set my ass alight so i got a gun and shot him silly in the head at least ive got nice one at thhe momen’t ( doesen’t even know im usen his freakin computer by the way i have a foul mouth but watch out ive got a pal called billy and chuck wood their gunna kill all humans and im kinda angaints it only kill idots and people who hate dummy’s I MEAN YOU LOT SO WATCH OUT!

  25. 25 On October 11th, 2009, tony said:

    by the way good on willie talk i had a kid brother called willie some basterd burnt him im wanna kill him to’

  26. 26 On October 11th, 2009, tony said:

    actully im gunna shoot all humans o_0

  27. 27 On October 26th, 2009, jack said:

    wtf? dipshits evil dummies slappy tony and f@#@face is makin this up just to scare u im on that one guys side who said its just your imagination i own a ventriloquist doll and he is not evil at all dumbasses

  28. 28 On October 26th, 2009, jack said:


  29. 29 On January 11th, 2010, Solveig Wilder said:

    Stop Scape-Goating the Dummy! It’s the person with his hand up the ventriloquist doll’s butt that is evil, not the doll itself.

  30. 30 On August 27th, 2010, Barbie said:

    I’m barbie, I agree with all the dummies who left a comment. I can’t wait for another human to drop me, kick me, cut my hair off, and so on and so forth! I will kill you in your sleep. you just wait.. I’m not on here to scare you, i’m here to warn you all who don’t care about us dolls. We are more valuable then you are. I’LL HAVE MY REVENGE SOMEDAY.!

  31. 31 On September 16th, 2010, beth said:

    I just love how you ‘people’ think you can burn us, or destroy us.. it’s really funny. I’ve already killed the Vonchpach family. It wasn’t easy though. I hope this scares the shit out of you, because were going to kill every last human on this earth. YOU ALL CAN BURN

  32. 32 On February 23rd, 2011, bob said:

    Hi I’m Slappy I’m going to use this computer what ever you say ps daaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Ps he ha he ha

  33. 33 On February 23rd, 2011, Bob said:

    Slappy just hit pee wee ‘s head off

  34. 34 On July 15th, 2011, james dean said:

    I beleive in spooks because i saw a door open with nobody at it.

    slappy you are an idiot because you were trying to kill inosent people.

    not cool

  35. 35 On July 15th, 2011, james dean said:

    barbie you have the most cutiest dolls ever i for 1 would never hurt them so please don’t kill me i have a life to live

  36. 36 On July 15th, 2011, james dean said:

    jason hereior
    was someone controling the dummy?

  37. 37 On March 9th, 2012, Lerry said:

    I was driving home with my mom after we had just been at the store. I was sitting in the back seat while carrying an evil ventriloquist dummy named Slappy in my arms. While halfway home, I tried tossing Slappy out the car window, but he held onto the side of the car and climbed back in angrily. I begged him to forgive me and told him I was sorry. Then, when I got home, I locked him in my moms car and ran up on our porch and pointed and laughed at him while he stared at me in anger from the back seat window. Then, while I was laughing, he turned into a twinkling star, flew into my ass, turned back into his normal self, and said “IT’S SUPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRR TIIIIIIIIIIIIME” in a very evil and sinister voice. He then began to devour all of the shit in my ass while making a “RARARARARARARARARARARARA” sound. This tickled my ass so much that I ran off the porch and began rubbing dirt in my face, which didn’t help anyway. Then, I woke up, and still haven’t forgotten the tickle that was inflicted upon my ass.

    Don’t make the same mistake that I did by locking Slappy in a car, running up on a porch, and then proceeding to point and laugh at him. super bootyasscheeks jones of bootyassiousness ultimatum

  38. 38 On April 24th, 2012, Mary said:

    I’m Mary, and I absolutely LOVE my human. I agree with my doll friends but if any of them try to hurt my girl I will defend her!!! She isn’t like the rest of the humans. She loves us dolls.