How To Tell If Your Ventriloquist Puppet Is Evil
The Booberry Alarmclock posted some photos of a ventriloquist doll (it’s no dummy!), and this reminded me of this public safety tip: How to tell if your ventriloquist puppet is evil:
1. Make a large, roaring fire.
2. Within earshot of the doll say “Well, I think it’s about time I get rid of this ventriloquist doll … it’s not doing me any good no more”.
3. Pick up the doll and say “I think this will burn up real good in the fire”
4. Walk towards the fire.
5. Make like you’re going to throw the doll into the fire on the count of 3.
At this point, if your doll is evil, you’ll feel a bite on your arm, or a punch, or some other violent reaction. The doll will try to get out of your grasp, and, if successful, will run away, most likely with an evil cackle out of it’s smiling mouth. Be careful … he’s not fleeing from you; he’s only looking for a place to hide in order to attack you later.
If nothing happens, your doll is probably not evil. You now have 2 choices: Throw it into the fire anyway, or put it away.
Warning: If you do not throw the doll in the fire, it is suggested that you take a knife with you to bed. It’s possible the doll is evil but knew you were testing it, and is waiting for you to go to sleep before attempting to strangle you.
Clearly this “test” was concocted by a ventriloquist dummy to lull the public into thinking that there is a sliver of a chance that some dummies may not be evil. Don’t fall for it.
posted on May 27th, 2007 at 11:58 pm
This appears to be a later incarnation of the Willie dummy. The original was mostly harmless and wore considerably less mascara until he suffered repeated non-consensual puppet sodomization at the hands of the über-Machiavellian Charlie dummy.
posted on May 28th, 2007 at 4:29 am
I say take off and nuke the dummy from orbit — it’s the only way to be sure. :>
posted on June 21st, 2007 at 9:05 pm
Ventriloquist Puppets can never be killed…The best thing to do is submit to it’s evil.
This way, maybe, you will be chosen to give up your soul and have the evil puppet take over your body.
Then, this hot little evil puppet, played by Jennifer Tilly, will be your girlfriend, and the two of you can do all sorts of evil puppet things forever and ever…
Evil puppets are cool.
posted on July 3rd, 2007 at 10:47 am
That list just refreshed every single nightmare I had when I was a kid. I think watching the Twilight Zone in the middle of the night when I was 9 was a horrible idea because I always thought that ventriloquist dummies would bit my ankles if I tried to get out of bed. burn them all, I say.
posted on July 10th, 2007 at 5:59 am
I am serious about this. I tresspassed in an older house that was abandoned. I found an old wooden ventriloquist dummy in perfect condition in its case.
I brought it home. (Stupid, Stupid, Stupid!) One night while I was alone in my house I herd a small child like giggle. I went upstairs and when I got to the room where the dummy was. Its eyes turned by themselves and the mouth started opening and closing frantically. After its episode, I burned it up in a bomb fire at a party. It has never come back. I moved. But I later learned that the family who bought my house my house, a family of five, every last one had been murdered in the house one night. All of them strangled.
posted on August 16th, 2007 at 10:11 pm
This is friggin’ hilarious! But, a few weeks ago I watched “Dead Silence” with my boyfriend. “Beware the stare of Mary Shaw, she had no children, only dolls. If you see her in your dreams, be sure you never, ever scream”….and then there’s something about if you scream, she’ll rip your tongue out. It freaked me out so bad! Ventriloquist dolls scare me. I’d totally believe this and either burn the doll or take a knife to bed with me. On second thought, I’d burn the doll AND take a knife to bed with me. You can never be sure….
posted on August 22nd, 2007 at 10:18 am
Interestingly Enough, I know some Ventriloquists from College who love to put on an act like that. Keep of the good work Ventriloquists all around the world!
posted on October 11th, 2007 at 4:08 pm
Beware the dummy. If you buy one new or make one yourself the generely don’t hate you. Usauly if the dummy is older or is someone elses it will hate you. It takes a long time but its worth it to just make one. Stay away from the evil!!!
posted on October 24th, 2007 at 1:00 pm
that is sooo coool i love it im gonna um collect ventrilaquist dolls or however u spell it and each time i get a new 1 i will follow ur steps lol ur sooo coool seriusly but im kind of afraid of toys this is a real story (i woke up one night in my brothers bed i was like 4 or 5 and i saw my teddy bear move its head over and over
when that happend i just went to bed cuz i was too scared too do anything cuz u see ur childhood is like watch transformers or somthing mine was watching jaws or childsplay lol my childhood was ruined)
posted on October 29th, 2007 at 4:33 pm
I am laughing so hard right now & my stomach hurts from reading all the replys. I had one of those Willie Talk dolls & someone drew a flaming red hot butt hole on his butt & wrote, “It’s Chapped”. I did not discover it until i changed his clothes & no one fessed up to it cause i would beat the crap out of them. I then told all my sisters & brothers that Willie would get his revenge on who ever disfigured him & it would be with a knife from our kitchen drawer. My youngest sister, GINA was screaming & swearing she did not do it & i said, if you did not do it then he would not hurt you, only the one who did that to him. Needless to say, no one died nor did anyone ever confess to drawing a red butt hole on my favorite toy which i got at a Goodwill store, hey, puppets need a home too. Schroeder
posted on November 20th, 2007 at 10:38 pm
Silly humans, you make fun of us dolls & yet you won’t be laughing when we have our global attack & i will be the leader. I Willie Talk & my other Willie brothers will get our revenge for all the mistreatings we received in the past, for every slam to the ground, for every tug of war you played with our arms, for every rotten tea party you put us through, we will rise & attack, you will become our playmates & sit on our laps. We’ve gathered knives & forks & especially socks, yes socks. You know all those socks that disappear in the dryer, well they just didn’t disappear, us dolls took them so when we attack in the night we have something to gag your loud mouths with, there’s nothing more annoying than to hear a human screaming, it only upsets us more. Yes many of us went through the fire test & some of us survived, ran away but we are here to stand up for the ones who burned at your grace, we will be their hands, their feet & speak for them when we attack. My girlfriend Barbie will be at my side, many of her sisters have drowned in your bathtubs or in a flushing toilet. You humans are so cruel to us dolls, we’ve been burned with dripping melting crayons, singed with magnifying glasses, our faces melted off on the stove burner, our heads cut off by your rotten little brothers & it goes on & on & on. We dolls have not forgotten how you have treated us & we plan to take our revenge slowly, oh so slowly. Barbie’s little sister Skipper thought of this little diddy & I will be the first to try it out. You know all those potato peelers that come up missing in your kitchen drawers? Well, we have them all! We plan on tying you humans up to a chair & gently peeling your skin away like that of a potato & then pour salt all over you, we can’t wait. We will need drones to help us out so if any of you humans wish to live then the magic word is, “Chatty Cathy” & the attack will stop on you. Have a pleasant night boys & girls, you adults too, even though your full grown your still gonna get it. Willie & Barbie
posted on November 20th, 2007 at 11:40 pm
ALL ventriloquist puppets are evil…
posted on November 21st, 2007 at 6:16 am
Well Personally I Love These So Called “Evil dolls” They Are Truly Not Evil, They Are Just Misunderstood. You See You Don’t Know The True Power Of These Dolls Untill You Own One. They Are Truly Wonderful Things. I Love Them
x
Adam McCrory 13 Male UK
posted on December 21st, 2007 at 4:44 pm